If you've ever spent some time in a bar or club you've probably seen the guy that's engaging in some sort of behavior that makes you question if your right for wanting to drag him outside by his faux-hawk, douse him in gasoline, and flick your cigarette at him.
If your sneaking into bars underage you probably are this guy.
Which ever the case may be Big Duckets presents the following as a public service to stop the current and future bar going generations from making these moronic mistakes that do little more than enrage your fellow man.The "That Guy" List
1."Trying To Pick Up the Obviously Uninterested Girl" Guy
"Trying To Pick Up the Obviously Uniterested Girl" Guy walks into the bar and proceeds to raise his Blood Alchohol Content higher then total fucking cost of the war on terror and the war on drugs combined. After sufficiently irritating the shit out of everyone in his immediate vacinity with uncalled for high fives and full on man hugs, he locks in on the lady in which he has the least possible chance of scoring with. In his current state of inebriation he begins to bore his target into a coma with tales of the following:The "wicked sick party" that he and his roommates threw last weekend.What his father/mother does for a living.His Honda CivicHis major.His Love of her major.His Love of everything she loves.His Love for her.The supernal connection he knows she can feel between them.
After about twenty minutes of contemplating suicide as viable option of escape the lady wants out. This generally leads to the involvement of bar security. This is where "That Guy" really shines. "Trying To Pick Up the Obviously Uninterested Girl" Guy, will now try to convince the bouncer/doorman that he and this young woman are indeed friends and have been so for quite a while. Not realizing that when he took his last trip to pisser the object of his affection offered everything but a party in her rectum to be saved. Try as he might "That Guy" simply cannot understand why this woman wants to be saved from him and refuses to let her be. Which usually ends up with "That Guy" being asked to leave the premises.
2."Pick a Fight With The Sober Bouncer Two Times Your Size" Guy
"Pick a Fight With The Sober Bouncer Two Times Your Size" Guy is sometimes a direct result of a bad time with "Trying To pick up the Obviously Uninterested Girl" Guy, but doesn't have to be. Sometimes this "That Guy" comes about due to the fact that your typical bouncer could give two flaming buckets of rat piss less about the following:What you do for a living.How much money you have.How much money your planning on spending.Who you know.
However "Pick a Fight With The Sober Bouncer Two Times Your Size" Guy seldom understands this due to the fact that he is primarily concerned with bolstering his self esteem over his under sized, under used man meat. But no matter how small his package may be, you can be sure that he'll let you know:
He know's the owner.He spends thousands of dollars a week in this bar.He's been coming to this place before it opened.He's got a good lawyer.He IS a good lawyer.How fucked the bouncer is once he makes this phone call.
3."The Money Waving, Ignorant, Impatient, Jack Ass" Guy
Ahhh, "The Money Waving, Ignorant, Impatient, Jack Ass" Guy... This one is more likely to be the reason that the bartender has a bad attitude by the time he/she gets to you. This fuckstick has been waving his money in the air since he stepped up to the bar, ignoring the other hundred people there, like he's the only one who needs a drink. Chances are his wait time has been much shorter than the rest of the people who are patiently waiting for the bartender to get to them. You can pick this guy out pretty easily, he'll be:
Waving his cash around leaning over the bar.Clicking, whistling, or reaching out for every passing bartender who is making a drink for the person ahead of himPlacing multiple concurrent orders (Ex: I'll have 3 shots of jack....make that four...make that five!).Monopolizing the bartender's time to leave a single solitary dollar.Considering the dollar he left a "Hook-up"Expecting a free drink for "Hooking it up"
4."I Look Like A Fag and Need To Fix My Collar" Guy
How much more can be said about america's favorite douchebag. You know this guy. Everyone knows this guy. More then likely still in college and if not, probably a college drop out. "I Look Like A Fag and Need To Fix My Collar" Guy Is usually never alone. Most of the time these "That Guy"'s travel in packs and are primarily comprised of all of the "That Guy" attributes. Moving from one stage to the others with flawless transistion.
So in short, dont be a fuck head, keep your opinion and personal life to yourself, fix your goddamned collar and dont be That Guy.
Copyright 2007 Big Duckets
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