Actors: Windows to our souls, mirrors to our lives, basically theyre shiny, blank
surfaces. When the world dies and they send a rocket to the moon full of hand-picked
survivors, I hope they fill it full of actors. Here is the shortlist for salvation,
although some of them are already dead. Unless theyre playing dead. These guys are so
good they could pull that off you know?
50. Sir Ian McKellen
Stratford-Upon-Avon, 2007, the Royal Shakespeare Companys production of King Lear,
with this countrys finest actor in the lead part. The curtain comes up, the silence is
reverential Whatever, I was at the Holloway Road Odeon with a double bill of
Gandalf/Magneto.
49. Marilyn Monroe
Its a good thing Elton John wrote Candle in the Wind after she died. Otherwise the
drugs, the pain and bumming Arthur Miller, Babe Ruth, JFK, and Prince Charles might
have disappeared into history.
48. Matt Damon
You like Apples? Well I got Jason Bourne. Howd you like them Apples?
47. Ed Wood
Writer, actor, director: the triple threat, the devils trident. What you ever write
Depp? Nothing! So stop taking the piss.
46. Simon Callow
Being an actor. Ah yes, to wear the ruff and go beneath the Promethean arch, to feel
the heat rise from the lights. Enjoy it, but dont you dare upstage Callow.
45. Jonathan Pryce
All I need is a stout pair of boots and a stage. Enter, magic
44. Molly Ringwald
At least youll always have the 80s Molly.
43. Oliver Reed
Oi! OToole! Im a bigger drunk than you! Look, Ill get my cock out. Ill arm-wrestle
a fisherman. Then Ill fight myself. Then Ill drink some more. Then Ill do some
fucking acting.
42. William McGonagall
Scotlands worst poet was also a limelight loving actor. When he played Macbeth he
became convinced that the actor playing Macduff was trying to upstage him, so he
refused to die.
41. Shaquille ONeal
Larry David begged and begged but Big Aristotle, as Shaq likes to call himself, just
wouldnt agree to play one-on-one basketball with the famously brilliant Jason
Alexander to celebrate Curbs 100th episode.
40. Sarah Michelle Gellar
What, you mean there isnt a place at the Top Fifty table for Buffy?
39. Will Oldham
Before Palace/ Bonnie Prince fame Will was quite the young actor. Youd think hed
probably play a troubled teen preacher in a dark film about an Appalachian mining
community, wouldnt you? Youd be right.
38. Morgan Freeman
I could be telling you your mum fucked a dog round at my ranch the other night, or that
the burger you were eating was made of your Grannys thigh, but you wouldnt know it
because my voice, so dulcet and dignified, would have lulled you into blissful slumber.
37. Meryl Streep
I am Meryl Streep. Boudicca of the silver screen. All you little tarts better step back
in line.
36. Robert Pattinson
Eat me Rob! Devour me! I want to feel your vampire teeth on my neck! I want to hear
your solo music project on my iPod.
35. James Lipton
Gere, my God, I understand you. I too was a star of stage and screen. My Shipping
Clerk in The Big Break was so very widely admired. When I gaze at you, resplendent in
your tux, I see an equal, an equal who I worship and adore, an equal whose artistry
astounds me. Bless you for coming inside my studio, you and your kind make this tawdry
world a better place, you have cracked open my heart and filled it with serious,
intense joy. Oh, to sup with De Niro! Oh, to dance with Dionysus in the penthouse of
Kevin Spacey.
34. Matt Robinson
Thats right; its the kid who played Gordon in Sesame Street. Hes not a kid anymore.
In fact, hes dead.
33. Brigitte Bardot
You may know her as a sex symbol but I know her as the pioneering French director who
brought an all-female version of The Kingdom to the Parisian stage.
32. Tracy Jordan
This round, Texas Doozy. Face cards are wild, threes a jinx, fives are twos. Thats
what actings about, playing cards.
31. Woody Allen
Yes, thats right; he married his daughter. Yes, hes a practitioner of incest. Im
fucking sick of hearing it. What did you ever do? Well, not your daughter, obviously.
But you didnt make any great films either.
30. Max Von Sydow
Have you played chess with Death himself? Max has. The sea churned, the skies parted
and Death won in four moves.
29. Yasmine Bleeth
Pam got all the Baywatch plaudits, but Yasmine still did a lot of photo shoots during
the 90s.
28. Edmund Kean
The 18th century British actor used to have his head held under jets of cold water to
sober him up for performances. When that didnt work he sat in the audience and heckled
his understudy.
27. John McEnroe
Because acting is the show offs tennis. And no-ones a bigger show off than John King
of the Cameo McEnroe.
26. Jodie Foster
She may be Hollywoods number one power lesbian, but shes still got an inexplicable
voice.
25. Mark Ruffalo
For his breakout role in Kenneth Lonergans You Can Count on Me, the Brando loving
Ruffalo actually spent a year drifting around the country getting into fights and
trying to ruin his nephews self-image.
24. Robert Newton
During a 1930s tour of Richard II, Newton went out at lunchtime and got hammered.
Passing a fishmongers, he stared into the window, looked up at his drinking buddy
Wilfred Lawson, and exclaimed: Dear God, Wilfried. Weve got a matinee! Newton
lurched onto stage as John of Gaunt and told the audience: If you think Im pissed,
wait till you see the Duke of York. Now run off and tell that one at the Garrick.
23. Klaus Kinski
Kinski was so intense that while he was filming Fitzcarraldo, local Indians came and
told director Werner Herzog theyd kill the German actor if Herzog gave them the word.
22. Paul Bettany
Yes, I am an Englishman working in America. Jealous?
21. Anne Hathaway
Beautiful, talented, good at ice hockey. She must have a vagina like a silk ballet
shoe.
20. Robert De Niro
Because I know that youre going to get really mad if old method man isnt in it. Hes
very, very important. More important than hospitals and wheels.
19. Tina Fey
Even more politically significant than Rory Bremner.
18. Franka Potente
Run, Franka, run! Matt Damons behind you and he isnt going to give up the chase until
youve got taught him to decline all irregular German verbs.
17. The Rebuilt Titanic
Biggest film of all time? Its down to this thing. What a handsome beast. Not you Di
Caprio, you floppy-haired fucko. This marvelous boat.
16. Diefenbaker
Actors like to lie on their CVs, but Due Souths deaf wolf could actually lip read in
English and Inuktitut. Think about that next time your auditioning for Eskimo Hunter
3.
15. Sidney Poitier
Apparently all the critics who accused Poitier of being an Uncle Tom meant it in
affectionate way. Like, Hey, its my Uncle Tom, he drinks a bit, but hes a really
nice guy and one hell of an actor.
14. Judi Dench
If you ever leave the Dame out of my name again, and I mean ever, I will fuck you in
the eye with a frozen turd.
13. Bob Dylan
When your life is an act, how can you fail to succeed? This fall, meet Bob, a young guy
with a pocket full of dreams and a head full of characters
12. Catherine Deneuve
Who needs an Oscar or a BAFTA when youre a two time Csar award-winner? Fuck the
Anglo-Hollywood oligarchy. Those guys are worse than the KGB. Vive la Catherine!
11. Daniel Day Lewis
Thats right, I cobble. Im a cobbler. I learnt it in a small Etruscan village with a
man named Bernetto. We would go down into the village of an evening, the scent of dried
penne filling the air as Bernetto slobbered all over his third gelato cioccolato, his
polio-ridden body struggling to keep up with my Segway. After our promenade Id return
to the late Etruscan villa I was renting and Bernetto would go back to sleep on the
floor of his workshop, his legs carefully suspended in a hoist above him.
10. Parker Posey
Listening to Sonic Youth while jerking off? Youre a Parker Posey fan.
9. Seabiscuit
Run Seabiscuit! Find the open ground! Make Tobey Maguire look heroic!
8. Tobey Maguire
Ride, Tobey Maguire, ride! Lose those pounds! Make Seabiscuit look good!
7. Norma Desmond
The silent movies! Darling, they really knew how to make them then. Who wants to hear
anythin? Noise is so horribly vulgar. Now come and join me for tea, you can sit between
the stuffed gecko and Erich von Stroheim.
6. Robert Mitchum
Aside from being a brilliant actor, Mitchum released a calypso album entitled Calypso
Is Like So Puts your sideline as a DJ into perspective doesnt it, Matthew Horne?
5. Gerard Depardieu
Theres no better site than Depardieu in flight. A man who doesnt let his personal
appearance hold him back is more than a man, hes an ugly man. But God damn, that
voice, it could tame a hord of Sarkozys rabid sex orcs.
4. Angela Bassett
Having risen to prominence playing historical figures like Tina Turner, Betty Shabazz,
and Voletta Wallace, Bassett is now set to play John Updike in I, Updike: the John
Updike Story. Brave, brave casting.
3. Bette Davis
You want to go get yourself a Laserdisc of All About Eve and check out the way Bette
evils Anne Baxter. Shes one step away from punching holes in her womb.
2. Marlon Brando
Dont film me! Dont look at me, Im so fat. Fuck it, look at me. And bring me a plate
of burgers. Not because Im greedy. Because its what my character would eat.
1. Robert Coates
Known as Curricle Coates, he was widely derided as the worst actor ever to have
lived. His lack of skill was obvious to one and all and he had to bribe theatre
managers to let him perform. He forgot lines and invented new dialogue on the spot,
thereby inventing the concept of improvisation. While playing Romeo, he once came back
onstage at the end of the play and tried to prize Juliets coffin open with a crowbar.
But he put the bums on the seats. And thats what its about baby. Its entertainment.
And thats why Diamond Coates, the man who wore furs in winter and who used to crawl
onstage looking for his props while other scenes were being played, is the greatest
actor ever to have graced the stage.
OSCAR RICKETT
iAutoblog the premier autoblogger software
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